I feel bad

I have been feeling bad all day because yesterday I publicly announced that my daughter is a brat. I feel I am doing her a great injustice first, by announcing her flaws for anyone to read and second for blaming her for behaviors that are not entirely her fault. I know that she is not truly a brat by nature. I know that it is mostly because of circumstance--circumstances I create. The circumstances that have made up her entire life tend to make her be overshadowed and ignored. I think that I tend to push her needs, wants and desires to the background just so that I can get things done. Homework has to be done. Carpools need to be driven. Meals need to be prepared. The house needs to be cleaned. Fights need to be mediated. Laundry needs to be done. And the list goes on and on... and on and on.... and on and on and on. I think that her brattiness is simply a coping method. She knows that unless she is very vocal about needing me that she probably won't get me. She knows that the only way to make me listen to her is to complain. All she ever wants or needs is someone to pay a little bit of attention to her and to play with her on her terms. (Somehow I don't think that her sitting in her high chair drawing while I color is good enough.) When I really think about it I know that this she is getting pushed aside mostly because I am tired of the games she wants to play. I have been playing with the same toys, singing the same songs, and looking at the same books for over eight years now and I am just plain worn out. I wish there was a magic fix that could make me really truly want to do it all again, but I'm smart enough to know there's not. Thankfully I'm also smart enough to know that my needs and desires shouldn't come first. Now I just need to figure out a way to act on what I know. I guess that I just have to buck up and deal with my issues because Sarah deserves to have the same mom that my other babies got and she deserves a chance to have the attention that everyone else had. Like I said before, I know the fault is mine in creating bratty behaviors, but hopefully I can recognize and remedy the problem before it gets any worse. Because how can anyone look at a face like this and really believe that she is a brat?

Lastly I just need to say, "I'm sorry Sarah.I'm sorry I called you a brat for everyone to hear. But most of all, I'm sorry that I don't give you all the time and attention you need and deserve. I love you baby, and I'll try to do better--even if I am tired!"